There is a mess in my head. It’s still hot outside. The air moves a little from time to time but it is going to get worse pretty soon.

I am going through something hard. It is hard, because it is sad and it is uncertain. I anticipated something else (though I said I didn't) and it set me up for disappointment.

I guess it feels more bearable than it did 6 months ago. Not too sure. Probably my mind got used to it. I listened to so many songs that talk about this. I am trying to normalize the process. But the way I feel is a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel stronger, better, like I can do it. Other times, I know I can do it, but the life does not make any sense to me after doing it.

I had a person, a partner, a team member who made me feel not alone, ever. Regardless of all the weird things that went on in our lives during these five years, going to bed together still gives you the feeling of connection.

I took of the last feather necklace from my neck this morning after doing yoga, while I was in shivasana. It felt freeing. The necklace was a symbol of attachment and the memories of love which was short lived — the butterfly phase. Attachment brings comfort but… not freedom.

Love is an act. You get mesmerized by someone and than you practice being mesmerized by them all the time. I know you can love many people, but it takes a lot of effort to get to know them very deeply and love their insides, so usually you choose one and than the two of you learn each others bits and pieces and practice the act of love towards everything that goes on in that other person. I say practice because you make yourself do it, you make yourself notice and wonder and say wow. It doesn’t come magically but it is magic. You are the magician.

At the same time, living alone is hard, you need support system, with whom you can share everything openly. Because that other person loves you, you feel comfortable with them and do this sharing and give yourself comfort.

You can do this with many people but it is hard to find new people for this every month and start teaching each other about who you are from zero. This is why, people who are mesmerized by each other, usually spend much longer than a month together and sometimes even forever. And the only idea behind this decision is that, you make each other feel totally calm in this one area of life and none of you needs to search for this connection again and again. You make the other person feel that you will always be there for them to support them in whatever they need and that they will not need to be alone if you are alive.

When somebody gives you that, it is not a condition, it is just something that makes the people feel safe and vulnerable and connected. But at the same time we find pleasure not just in receiving this care but also in giving it. It brings pleasure to care for someone because it makes you feel important, it gives your life a sense. It gives you the reason to be alive. Making someone happier makes you happy.

Before going to sleep I listed some of the non love related things that make me feel like crying about so called break up. Some more practical things. Pointing them out to myself made things easier.

  1. What will my friends and family think? Wont they be sad for me? They will think that I am weak and poor. It’s okay, only way I can show them that I can be ok is just go on and be ok.

General thought:

  • This is so sad that I knew knew knew all these, all along and I lied to myself. Why did I do this not sure.

Good thing is that I know I should take this one step at a time. It’s better to have it moving than stagnate. And there are so so many things to do in life. Not sure that they have any sense in them :)) but maybe they do.

There is a lot I can read!

I can learn to drive a car.

I can also eat well. Learn to cook things.

I can move my body.

I can communicate with my friends more. I can even find new friends.

I can learn how to ride a bike.

I can watch modern love :))

Maybe I can even travel.

I will try to find beauty. Will see.

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